How to pray in public

A quick guide to praying in public so that people will think that you’re spiritual.

Before you pray

  • It isn’t gossip if you mean to pray about it: encourage others to dig the dirt on their friends and neighbours
  • Wash your hands before you pray – God doesn’t like it if you are dirty. Better still, keep your hands clean and let the less holy people do the dirty work

What to pray for

  • Show concern for those around you – ask God to mend their faults, detailing them one-by-one
  • Always pray for things that are actually likely to happen anyway. You wouldn’t want anyone disappointed
  • Pray for the sick often: that they will suffer quietly so as not to be a burden to others

How to pray

  • It sounds better if your voice trembles
  • The longer your prayer the more pious you sound
  • God is distant, so speak up
  • Repeat yourself – it makes you sound sincere
  • Use plenty of King James words, lots of ‘thee’ and ‘thou’. Don’t worry if you don’t know any actual Bible verses; you can make them up. Nobody actually reads the Bible these days, so nobody will know

Focus

  • The Still Small Voice can be quite disruptive – block it out by focusing on your own agenda
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