Self talk

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Don’t doubt your sanity because you talk to yourself…

Only know yourself mad if you listen.

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A message from the management

 

 

456956_call_centre_dave

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If we’re not listening to you

Come and tell us

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Yellowing teeth?

WHITE TEETH

WHITE TEETH

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AMAZING!

We all know that WHITE TEETH make you look great and feel confident! DAZZLING teeth give you that celebrity edge! You’re worth a MILLION DOLLARS when your teeth SPARKLE!

SUPER!

Unfortunately, not everyone can afford expensive dental treatment! That’s why we have developed a revolutionary LOW-COST technique that will make YOUR teeth look WHITER without breaking your bank!

WOW!

Our product is absolutely GUARANTEED to instantly make YOUR TEETH look WHITER than ever before, no matter how yellow your teeth are today!

  • No! trips to the dentist!
  • No! painful treatments!
  • No! expensive powders, pastes or gels!

In fact, our UNIQUE process is so REVOLUTIONARY it doesn’t affect your teeth at all!

GOSH!

Here area some actual pictures!

BEFORE

BEFORE

AFTER

AFTER

YUM YUM!

That’s right! Our SECRET FORMULA makes your teeth look WHITER than WHITE because you use it to PAINT your lips BLUE!

BUY NOW!

All you have to do is send us a cheque or postal order for just £49.99, and we will send you a great BIG tub of the stuff.

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7 habits of highly successful people

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  1. Skiing
  2. Golf
  3. Fast Cars
  4. Parties
  5. Beaches
  6. Hot dates
  7. Looking smug
Posted in Cynical, Success | Leave a comment

Money for nothing

Money

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—Easy money—

Want to know how to make some?

Of course you do!

So do I!

The difference is

I’ve got MY SECRET PLAN™

And the good news is

I am willing to share it with you

So

Send me truck loads of cash today!

And then

I’ll tell you MY SECRET PLAN™

When you send me enough money

You have my personal guarantee

That MY SECRET PLAN™ really does work!

So

What have you got to lose?

Whatever it is, you’d better send that, too!

Now

Don’t wait a moment longer

Send me your cash today!

Posted in Cynical, Funny, Ponzi, Pyramid Scheme, Scam | 1 Comment

The long hard road to increased blog traffic

Under construction

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The exponential increase in the number of blogs means that the blog-sphere is becoming crowded, almost claustrophobic. We’re all competing for the same readers, but some of us are elbowing our blogs to the front. Here are some tips on how to travel the long hard road to increased blog traffic. They’re bound to work.

Presentation

No matter how good your content, it won’t be read unless it is well presented. It stands to reason, then, that good presentation will fool people into reading your blog even when it has no worthwhile content. Here are some ideas on how to optimise your presentation.

Make it hard to read

This may not seem such a great idea, but the truth is that people value most that which is hardest to obtain. The information in your blog should be like gold and diamonds – it should be difficult to dig out.

Spell creatively (or kre8if’lee)

People won’t visit your blog unless it has something unique to offer. Let your spelling draw them in.

Punctuate effectively

Add excitement – use lots of exclamation marks!!! Wow!!!!

Employ the best language (consider writing in Klingon)

If yours is the only blog of its kind, then its bound to be the most popular blog of its kind. If you write in an obscure language, you’ll be aiming for a really specialist market. If yours is the only blog written in Klingon, you’ll capture the entire Klingon-blog reading population!
By the way, isn’t that the most wonderful thing about the Internet? No matter how obscure or nerdy your hobby, there’s bound to be someone else out there who shares your interests. You may be a sad little geek, but at least you’re no longer alone.
So go on – go write your blog and be weird in company. You know you want to!

Interactivity

The way that people interact with your blog is determined by the way you interact with people. So treat them mean, and keep them keen.

Avoid reading other blogs

You don’t want to be accused of stealing their ideas, do you? The best defence is to have no ideas, and the best way to avoid those ideas is to avoid reading other people’s blogs.

The exception, of course, is demotiv8. But nothing else. Period.

Don’t answer reader’s comments

Don’t even read comments. Better still, don’t allow them. You are writing your blog, so you don’t want to encourage people to clog it up with their own thoughts.

Don’t comment in other people’s blogs

Why should they get all your insight and great ideas? Save them for your own blog. Naturally, you are free to comment on other people’s blogs. Naturally, you think they’re rubbish (except, naturally, demotiv8, which is perfect in every way).

Visibility

Unless people can find your blog they won’t read it. So, submit yourself to a full search, and make sure you’re publicly exposed.

Search engines

Make sure there are links to your blog from the following search engines:

Create lots of blog

If there are lots of products in a shop that all cost the same, wouldn’t you pick the one that offers best value for money? Why not create lots and lots of really bad blogs, so that people naturally gravitate to your one good one?

Content

Leave out the meaningful content

Like a pleasant Sunday afternoon stroll to nowhere in particular can really revive the spirits, no? What better, then, than a long and meaningless ramble?

Talk about yourself

If your life was dull, you would live it differently, right? So it stands to reason that your life is very interesting. So tell the world about yourself, your hobbies and your cat. We can’t wait. Honestly.

Don’t post frequently

A mystery is exciting isn’t it? So, adding an aura of the unknown to your blog and you’ll really up the interest levels.

  • Keep your readers guessing, obscure your meaning in jargon and hyperbole.
  • Keep your readers in the dark by positing as infrequently as possible.
  • Never reveal anything interesting in your posts.

To maximise the intrigue, the very best thing is never to write a single post.

Now, that would really impress us!

Posted in Blogging, Complicated, Confused, Cynical, Funny, Obfuscate, Uninform | 4 Comments

Buzzwords of despair

Despair

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The grand plan

Every manager wants motivated staff, right? Well, despite what the management books might say, it really isn’t difficult for managers to motivate their staff. Unfortunately for managers, there are two kinds of motivation – the motivation to do a good job, and the motivation to do a bad one. Unfortunately, only great managers are able to motivate for success. For the rest of us, the only kind of motivation we can achieve is the negative kind – the motivation to under-perform, to swing the lead, to make mistakes, to leave the company, and so on.

Thankfully, we less-than-great managers can use all this to our advantage. The secret is for us to go beyond simple de-motivation. Yes, indeed: we must aim for something far more soul-destroying. Indeed, we must make it our raison d’être to project an aura of doom, create a zeitgeist of hopelessness, instill a culture of despair. Our glorious quest is to grind our staff so far down, that they’ll never, ever get up again.

You see, once our workers are in the state of total despair, they will no longer have the stomach to do a bad job. Imagine that! They’ll simply lack the gumption to under-perform, have no energy to rebel, lack the creativity to come up with good excuses, and they will have so little self-belief left that the idea that someone else could employ them will never even enter their poor little heads!

Genius, or what?

So here is the crux of this article. I am sure that it will be useful for both managers and our staff.

Managers

To you I give the power to demotivate even the most enthusiastic of your workers, and all it takes are a few simple words. Here is a handly list of some of those vacuous phrases that you can use when they want to give the impression of motivating your staff, but which will inevitably lead to the elimination of all morale.

Workers

To you I give these same phrases. If you hear them often, you’ll know you’re already doomed, for you are already working for one of us. Your soul is already ours (ha ha!). But at least you can play a little buzzword-bingo in the meetings.

The buzzword list

  • Think outside the box
  • Just do it
  • Failure is not an option
  • Give 110%
  • This is our our wake-up call!
  • Just be creative!
  • You’ve got to be in it to win it
  • Anything that’s easy is not worth a damn
  • I know it’s a paradigm shift, but…
  • There is no “I” in teamwork
  • You’ll really be pushing the envelope
  • Think win-win!
  • You’ve got to look at the bigger picture
  • It’ll all come out in the wash
  • You’ll just have to be proactive on this one
  • Play to win
  • It’s my neck that’s on the line, here
  • You’re in the zone
  • Play hardball with them
  • You’ll just have to shift the goal posts
  • Roll with the punches
  • Go with the flow
  • Stick at it
  • I didn’t get where I am today…
  • That’s just life, I’m afraid

Then there is the utterly banal:

  • I have every confidence in you

And most dastardly of all:

  • I’ll be behind you all the way
Posted in Anti-Motivational, Cynical, Demeaning, Demotivate, Funny | Leave a comment

10 ways to avoid any activity

Inactive

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There will always be jobs that nobody wants to do, and the purpose of this article is to ensure that you won’t have to do them. It lists a series of attitudes you’ll need to develop so that people will think twice before they ask you to do anything unpleasant or difficult. It also provides an idea of the kinds of excuses you can employ if the the worst comes to the worst and you are actually asked to act.

1. Wait until conditions are perfect

“The time isn’t right. I can’t do it until…”

2. Dwell on the negatives

“It will never work because…”

3. Over-analyse the situation

“Here are all the possible ways to achieve the goal, all the things that could happen if we go those ways, what we should do if we go off track, what we can do to mitigate the risks of going off track, how much each method will cost, the benefits and risks of each method…”

4. Always wait for permission

“No, it isn”t finished. I was waiting for you to give me the go-ahead on step 4096.”

5. Build your reputation as a non-doer.

“Someone else did it last time, so I don’t have the experience.”

6. Think of alternatives

“I really must get this done instead.”

7. Undervalue the rewards

“It isn’t really worth doing, is it? After all…”

8. Build up a fear of failure

“If we fail, things will be really bad. Really, really bad. So, perhaps we shouldn’t try.”

9. Insist that you will fail

“I tried it before, and look what happened!”

10. Just say no

“No.”

Nobody ever expects this one!

Posted in Anti-Motivational, Cynical, Demotivate, Demotivated, Funny, Lazy | Leave a comment

Choosing a religion: 6 questions to ask yourself

Candles

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Everyone needs to believe in something, but does it really matter what? Of course it does. But don’t for one moment think that you need look for a religion that is actually true. There are more important things than that! So, if you’re looking for something worth signing up to, you might try asking the following questions:

1. Does it make you feel good?

If the answer is no, why go there? All this talk about sin and judgement can really get to you. Why bother with all that when all you want is something all nice and pink and fluffy? If religion tells you you’re fine as you are – that you don’t need to change one little bit – then at least it will be easy to follow. Better still, a guarantee of fame and fortune would go down nicely, don’t you think?

2. Will it get you in with the in crowd?

It is so nice to be part of the group, to feel like you belong, especially when the group has status and a string sense of exclusivity. A fine place to meet with great facilities are essential.A sauna, a gym, free child care and quality recreational facilities are a must. And if you get membership of the golf club too…

3. Do they have political clout?

We all want to influence the world for the better, don’t we? And what could be better than a government that benefits people like you? So go for a religion that’s in with the powerful, and you’ll soon have a voice that is heard.

4. Are the meetings full of energy?

As the poet said:

A little hype is great to get a meeting going

A little raw emotion is good to keep it flowing

A tidy little pep-talk never went amis

If it keeps ‘em coming back for more

And it keeps us getting rich

5. Do they rely on rites and rituals?

It is nice to be seen to be doing well, but how will other people know that you are better than them if you haven’t got the merit badge to prove it? Of course, nobody wants to change their lifestyle too much, so performing a few little rituals seems like a great way to earn brownie-points. Rituals have such aura of mystique, and soon become quaint traditions, devoid of meaning but full of kudos.

6. Do you actually have to believe?

Does it really matter? Its not as if you’re meant to take it seriously is it? Especially all that stuff about G-O-D. The thing you’d ever want to do is ask Him his opinion on all of this…

…isn’t it?

Posted in Cynical, Funny, Herecy, Unbelief, Unreligious | Leave a comment

You need underlings: 5 reasons why

Pawns

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Every king has his pawns. Every tyrant has his minions. Every manager has his staff. So why shouldn’t you? Here are 5 reasons you should have some underlings:

  1. It will make you feel important when they do what they’re told.
  2. It will make you feel powerful when you fire them if they don’t.
  3. You can also fire them if they’re incompetent, or if they become a threat.
  4. When your underlings perform well, you can take all the credit.
  5. When you perform badly, you’ll have someone to take the blame.

So go on, get some underlings today. You know you need them!

Posted in Cynical, Demeaning, Funny | Leave a comment