Exclusive: Inside The Bilderberg Workshop

What is it?

The Bilderberg Workshop hosts an annual private party of 12 to 15 people from the European and North American political elite, experts from industry, finance, academia, and the media. It was founded in 1997.

Do They Have a Slogan?

The company’s slogan was “Where Best Deals Are Made” from 1997-2013 and is currently “The Most Money You’ll Ever Make.”

What will you see there?

Stare with wide-eyed amazement as you step into an elite world of power. Self-interest fills the air, and the noise of everyday life fades away. You bounce, skip and giggle your way through our interactive money-making stations, creating your very own personalized empire.

Who Participates?

Past attendees have included world leaders, policy makers, and kids TV presenters.

Prominent members have included:

  • Lord Noriyuki (Japanese Clan Leader)
  • Kozlov Leifonovich Grebnev (Manga Kingpin)
  • Prince Mor’du (Scottish Royalty)
  • Peggy Fortnum (Peruvian Railway Tycoon)
  • Rupert Beardoch (Newspaper Magnate)
  • State O’ Maine (Viennese Impresario)
  • Lala Hiyama (TV Personality)
  • Neville Harwood (Gang Leader)
  • Isambard “Sooty” Corbett (Statesman)

What happens there?

People sit around a big table, stuffing ordinary people. According to a leaked invitation:

A magical place, where dreams are destroyed. Steal their wallets and their voices. Be inspired to control. Watch common people squeal and gasp with fear as they breathlessly intone, help me, help me, help me.

What will I learn there?

There are cold, impersonal ways to engineer events, big and small.

Does it Have Competitors?

It did. The Build-a-Fear and The Fear Factory both closed in 2012.

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How to pray in public

A quick guide to praying in public so that people will think that you’re spiritual.

Before you pray

  • It isn’t gossip if you mean to pray about it: encourage others to dig the dirt on their friends and neighbours
  • Wash your hands before you pray – God doesn’t like it if you are dirty. Better still, keep your hands clean and let the less holy people do the dirty work

What to pray for

  • Show concern for those around you – ask God to mend their faults, detailing them one-by-one
  • Always pray for things that are actually likely to happen anyway. You wouldn’t want anyone disappointed
  • Pray for the sick often: that they will suffer quietly so as not to be a burden to others

How to pray

  • It sounds better if your voice trembles
  • The longer your prayer the more pious you sound
  • God is distant, so speak up
  • Repeat yourself – it makes you sound sincere
  • Use plenty of King James words, lots of ‘thee’ and ‘thou’. Don’t worry if you don’t know any actual Bible verses; you can make them up. Nobody actually reads the Bible these days, so nobody will know

Focus

  • The Still Small Voice can be quite disruptive – block it out by focusing on your own agenda
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How to deliver bad news #1

[Image courtesy: Stock.xchng]

Cheer everyone up

Write a happy little song about it.

http://www.sxc.hu/photo/398201
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Poster: Worth


WORTH

Worth

Just because you’re necessary doesn’t mean you’re important

This poster is available to buy from despair.com

Posted in Anti-Motivational, Demotivate, Demotivated, Demotivational posters, Worthless | Leave a comment

10 benefits of idleness

[Original image courtesy stock.xchng]
  1. Nobody will criticise you for doing it wrong
  2. You’ll beat the deadlines – by not having any
  3. There’s no need to keep up with the latest technology
  4. You’ll achieve better health through total relaxation
  5. There is nobody to boss you around
  6. It creates space to develop your dreams
  7. There is no dress code
  8. You’ll avoid the rush-hour traffic
  9. You can harmonize mind and body in perfect stillness
  10. You will watch endless amounts of daytime TV

Oh, well. Nine out of ten ain’t bad.

Posted in Anti-Motivational, Benefits, Demotivated, Idleness, Inactive, Inactivity, Ten | Leave a comment

Mr cheap

Wouldn’t you just love to open a shop next door – called “Mr. Nasty”?

 

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Book review: The Devil’s Dictionary (Ambrose Bierce)

The Devil’s Dictionary is Ambrose Bierce‘s  most well known and best loved works. Expanding upon a series of newspaper columns entitled, “The Cynic’s Word Book”, the Dictionary was published just two years before the author’s mysterious disappearance in 1911. There book follows the format common to all dictionaries, but Bierce’s razor-sharp wit and irreverent tone makes his Dictionary a refreshing alternative to your run-of-the-mill lexicon.

Ambrose Bierce

(Image courtesy Wikipedia)

Bierce defines a dictionary thus:

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

In a deliciously cynical self-referency, the Dictionary for cynics defines cynicism thus:

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.

Given its relative antiquity, it is prudent to ask if the witticisms in this Dictionary have stood the test of time. Truth be told, some of the definitions do seem somewhat outmoded. Nevertheless,  the longevity of The Devil’s Dictionary is deserved, as the vast majority of entries still shine with insight that is as fresh as when Bierce first put pen to paper. As one astute publisher of the volume has observed:

The caustic aphorisms collected in “The Devil’s Dictionary” helped earn Ambrose Bierce the epithets Bitter Bierce, the Devil’s Lexicographer, and the Wickedest Man in San Francisco. The words he shaped into verbal pitchforks a century ago – with or without the devil’s help – can still draw blood today.

Indeed, it is actually to the Dictionary’s credit that it is uncontaminated with modern notions against prejudice.

Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Instead, Bierce speaks as he finds. For example:

Woman, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication…

and:

Imbecility, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.

The Dictionary continues to elicit positive opinion, The Guardian, for example, has described the Dictionary as:

A welcome antidote to those glib self-help books about positive thinking and how to improve your life, which generally have the opposite effect.

In author’s preface to his work he addresses it to, “enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humour, and clean English to slang”. If you fit this description, you will undoubtedly appreciate this Dictionary.

Amazon ranks high among the esteemed purveyors of this classic tome.

Posted in Book, Cynical, Funny, Parody, Review | 2 Comments

Nosh

I want your help to open a shop:

Products

The idea is that the things we sell are designed to make you feel beautiful on the inside as well as (or instead of) the outside. We’ll carry an exclusive range of products that look just like cosmetics, but are actually food.

Our exquisite products will include:

  • Comely Candy: Sugary treats that look like soap.
  • Nice Ices: Ice cream surprises that look like soap.
  • Foxy Fruit Bars: Ravishing delicacies that look like soap.
  • Divine Drinks: Fizzy and sublime, they looks like (liquid) soap.
  • Fascinating Fudge: Sensuous and sublime, it looks like soap.
  • Lovely Jelly: Shapely jelly bites with an alluring charm. They look like soap, too.
  • Charismatic Cheeses: Sublime chunks of cheesy bewitchment. That look like soap.

And our best selling:

  • Charming Chocolate: It looks look like soap, but on a rope.

Location

For the most impact, we should aim to open our stores right next door to a well known cosmetics store.

Further Information

The products won’t actually be used as soap. We know that they will look like soap, we know that they will taste like soap, they might even be made of soap. But they really are not to be used as soap. We know this becauase you can’t actually eat soap.

A burger

Special note to my gentleman readers

You know those little square blocks that you find in urinals? They’re not edible either. Believe me, I know.

Credits

Original images courtesy Stock.Xchng:

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Peace

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. — Jack Handey

(Image Courtesy: Stock Xchng)

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10 steps to change your mood

Slough: your happy place

There are 10 steps to happiness. At least, that’s what it said in a 2005  study by the BBC.

Now, I always imagined that material wealth might go some way to making me happy – or at least make my grumpiness a little more bearable – but it seems that one of the findings of the study was that you cannot enhance your well-being by having more material things. Really? I never knew poverty could be so much fun!

But far be it for me to disagree with Aunty Beeb. After all, this gives me the perfect excuse reason to ask you to send me your cash. Yes indeed, I’m so generous that I’m willing to take on the burden all your material wealth. Just send it to me in an envelope marked “Stuff: Up my Happiness in 10 Steps!” and I’ll do the rest.

By the way, the BBC’s study was called, “Making Slough Happy”. Yes, Slough – the inspiration for poets:

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough

It isn’t fit for humans now

–Betjeman

Anyway, not to be outdone, I’ve wasted no expense on working out my own 10 steps. I’ve never been there, but I’m sure most people people in Slough follow them. And I guarantee that your mood will change:

  1. Plant something and watch it die.
  2. Count your blessings. Ask yourself why other people have so much more than you.
  3. Take time to share your opinions. With everyone. Constantly.
  4. Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while. Ask them why they never call.
  5. Give yourself a treat every single day. The novelty will soon wear off.
  6. Give someone a good laugh at least once a day. After all, you’re a bit of a clown, aren’t you?
  7. Exercise. For an hour. At least twice a day. (That which doesn’t make us stronger will surely kill us).
  8. Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day. Try not to get punched by her boyfriend.
  9. Cut your TV viewing by half. Watch DVDs instead.
  10. Do good turns to people who don’t want them done. Taking old ladies across busy roads that they don’t want to cross really is fun.

If that lot doesn’t make you feel different about life, think some more on Slough. The BBC funded an entire series dedicated to making Slough happy. We’re sure that they did their best. It follows, therefore, that you will never experience happiness greater than the happiness you experience in Slough. So, this one thing is true:

Slough is your happy place

Posted in Misery, Slough, Ten Steps | Leave a comment